Getting Rid of Odor

Have you ever had the experience of walking through your red front door and getting punched in the face by an 800 pound sumo smell? I am not talking about sveaty arm pits. By the way I didn’t spell that wrong, I mean sveaty like da "Russian Spy". I am not even talking about that strange fungus that crawls from the hobo’s toenails. Well that is pretty gross! So I won’t even put that in your mind. Or maybe I can figure out a way to clean out your mind for another post.

The first thing that alerts me to the clean scale of a home is the ol factory sideburns of my noggin. The biggest part of our sense of taste is smell.  It gives a whole new meaning to ‘clean enough to eat off of’. Note to self, an 800 pound sumo is probably never going to get his arm pits clean enough for me to eat off of them, unless I am on one of those "game shows" that dared me to for a "billion dollars". You can probably imagine the nasty little nose chewing odors and LingerMites I have had the displeasure of meeting in my career of "professional cleaning".

I happened to take a trip for a couple days. I mean your nose knows when it is time to go and smell the flowers, or the sun soaked "tropical beaches of Maui". Well that trip was to the mountain, I haven’t made it to Maui yet. It’s on my list so please click the ‘donate now’ button and add to the fund. I will post pictures I promise. During this particular trip I hired a babysitter so the kids would have a plaything while I was away. After putting out some newspaper and filling the "feeding bowls" I was off.  THEN I was back standing in front of my red door. I opened the door, my eyes blurred, my nose went on red alert and everything went black. I should have woken up in a hospital bed but I was left lying on the front porch trying to crawl my way back to consciousness. It was sour. It was geriatric. It was nose "Ebola". That smell was certainly not religious. To top it off there was whipped cooking odors and a maraschino un-flushed toilet for color. Now don’t get me wrong somewhere in the fume smorgasbord was a dancing hint of "disinfectant cleaner" and a teasing pinch of an outdated "Yankee Candle" scent from the Mayflower. They were battling an unwinnable battle against the evil armies of foul LingerMites.

Armed with a new sense of life and a determination to retake the castle I set out on a quest to discover what animal, vegetable or mineral was feeding the frenzied LingerMites. My trusting Mominhood skills did it again and I hunted down a moist patch of carpet in the family room.  Somehow the newspaper had not made it to that particular patch of imported Indian pile. The babysitter/kids play toy kept making this humming Umm Umm Umm sound as a wispy thread of stench stuck its finger up my nose and yanked me to the vacuum closet.  On the side lines my wonderful children of Oz stood staring with pinched mouths and bright eyes. I felt a nauseous blackness toying with my thoughts when my son stepped forward and said “Mom! Brother dared me to drink the sour milk that the babysitter had thrown in the garbage. He said I was a chicken and wouldn’t dare. I had to. It was the only way.” Yeah, I thought, the only way to eliminate the global problem of over population. He had apparently tried to pull a version of "Michelangelo's statue of "David"" and instead ended up as "Bernin's "Triton Fountain"". Spewing forth vomit he managed to eliminate the entire block’s worth of breathable air and make a sizable investment of vomit in the family room. So what did the babysitter do? She got the trusty Vacuum of course. How could I really blame her? You have seen the commercials for "Electrolux", haven’t you? They are almost as amazing as the “I caun’t bell-ieve ets nawt bootter” guy.  I have the older version of the "Versatility EL8502D". It sucks, and I mean that in the most intimate of vacuum jargon.  Again, please donate now for my upgrade. So my "Electrolux" stood there in the closet almost in a coma. 

I stormed off to my bedroom in search of my "Super Mom panties" and "rubber gloves". I sprayed the vomit infested patch of carpet with a potent mixture of water and "Ammonia". I let it sit a couple of minutes and went to town on it with a terry cloth, dabbing and wiping like "Cinderella". Once was not good enough. It took five times before my spirit animal came into my vision and showed me the promise land was near. After the area dried I put a small box of "arm and hammer baking soda" and a cup of "folders dark roast coffee" on the carpet. It stood like a grave and stewed for forty eight hours while I went to perform an exorcism on my Electrolux. It is a good thing I played Operation as a kid. Skills in hand I disemboweled my sucker friend. Through the scientific process I deduced which parts would be worthy of baptism by "Ammonia" water. The selected parts were bathed and set out to soak up the warm sun on my deck. When they had sufficient time to recoup and dry I helped them find their home on the skeleton of my Luxy. Once revived and feeling like new, my Vacuum, like a man returned from retreat, was ready for the world. I took it out for a spin sucking up the Arm and Hammer/Foldgers grave in the family room. After a few days I had banished the hordes of LingerMites. A quick spray of "Melaleuca Sol-U-Guard botanical" as a final disinfectant and in-scent-ivisor for the carpet and all was well in the land of home.

This process is very good for getting rid of hard to reach smells, if you catch my drift. You could attach dog and cat odors in the upholstery or even vomit splashed car seats. Baking Soda and Coffee grounds together make an awesome odor remover. "Melaleuca" is a awesome disinfectant that smells great. In the end I did not have to rent a "carpet cleaning machine" or Call 1-800-Stanley Steemer.

As little side note for my "sundae" of smells, I must tell you a little trick I wish my babysitter had known. During the holidays I love the smell of all the wonderful spice aromas that dance around like nose temptress fairy nymphs. They come out when the warm succulent "pumpkin pies" are baking and cinnamon rum cakes cool. Rather than lighting candles I fill a small sauce pan with water and add "cinnamon sticks", "whole cloves", "allspice" and "coffee grounds", then let it simmer on low. It makes your home smell divine and is very festive. Just remember to watch it and not let all the water simmer away or you might be inviting a different color of 800 pound sumo smell into your home.